In order for me to bring you to the present, I have to go back to the past, even though people say you shouldn’t look back. But – for obvious reasons – it has to be done.
This is a long post so you might want to get a cup of tea. Or a shot of rum…
I was diagnosed with breast cancer four months ago. When my consultant told me, it was as if all the noise had been sucked out of the room. I knew I had a lump, so I got it checked and managed to convince myself that everything would be fine. Instead, on a beautiful summer’s day, I was told that the lump in my breast was cancerous.
I don’t remember much in that initial blur, other than my mum and I being in shock and the consultant saying that the cancer was ‘treatable’. I clung to that word like a person being rescued at sea clings to a rubber ring.
We were ushered into another room with one of the breast care nurses and it was there that I cried my eyes out. Then I had another biopsy a few minutes later to check whether my lymph nodes were affected. My mum reassured me that whatever happened we would get through it, but my head was all over the place thinking about the worst-case scenarios.
Telling my family and friends was hard because I would be tearful every time I told someone close to me. My dad had no idea about any of this because I did not want to worry him until I knew the results. When I told him, he gave me a huge hug and tried to hold his emotions in check. I also told my brother and sister that same day and there were lots of tears, hugs and some laughter, which was what we all needed.
My cancer situation triggered lots of emotions. Naturally I was upset, but I was surprised at how angry I was. The weather was glorious and I was looking forward to a great summer, going out and enjoying life. Now, all that was on hold and I didn’t know how long for.
The week leading up to the results of the second biopsy was awful. Everyone I know sees me as a positive person but I constantly worried that the consultant would have more bad news for me. When I went back, I discovered that my lymph nodes were also affected, which was not great but I felt relief in knowing because waiting for results when diagnosed with breast cancer (or any cancer) is the pits.
Throughout my life, I have had various health issues and managed to deal with them – some trickier than others. But this was something else. I had numerous operations when I was younger and, if I’m honest, did not always understand the enormity and complexity of what I went through. Whereas now, I’m older, wiser and understand what I’m facing – and I’m not sure which is worse. When I had those operations, they were usually the last thing on the agenda and once I got over that hurdle, I was on the road to recovery. With breast cancer, the operation was the beginning.
I had a lumpectomy and axillary node clearance two weeks after my diagnosis, then underwent another operation a few weeks later. The wait for the results in-between both surgeries was hell. So many thoughts ran through my mind – what did they find? Would I need another op? What if it’s worse than expected? I’m an over-thinker anyway, so my brain ran riot with all the possibilities. I’m surprised I didn’t combust, especially as this summer was one of the hottest Britain has ever had. It was beautiful: wall-to-wall sunshine and blue skies everyday, but wearing a drain in tropical 36°c heat was grim.
My results post-second operation came through three weeks later and I was (to be perfectly honest) shitting bricks. The consultant told me that the surgeries were successful, the cancer was gone and no other cancerous cells were detected, but I would have to undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I was so relieved but a bit daunted by what lay ahead.
I’ll admit I knew a little about breast cancer but not a lot – basic layman knowledge. I assumed everyone who had it would need chemo, but nope. If caught early, you might have a lumpectomy and possibly some radiotherapy and that’s it. That was not my situation but still, it could be worse.
Things are ongoing and my next few posts will talk about all that.
Now, ladies (and gentlemen), I cannot stress how important it is to check your breasts. If you feel awkward doing so, then you need to start getting acquainted with your body. If you think something feels a bit odd but not enough for you to go to the doctor – DO IT ANYWAY. Too many people choose to ignore things instead of confronting them. Don’t do this. Check yourself and get checked out. ❤️
greatbiglump 