2018.

It’s very late and my mind is thinking about different things: my next chemo session (tomorrow); my need for sleep; Liverpool losing to Wolves in the FA Cup…

Then I thought about it being the first full week of 2019 and it hit me: I was diagnosed with cancer last year. Flipping cancer.

Yes, I have been writing about it and I’m not tearful or emotional, but thinking about how crazy and surreal last year was stopped me in my tracks. Right now I feel quite strong, both physically and mentally, which is great because my last chemo cycle was atrocious (new post soon come).

2018 was odd. It started ok, then Britain had the full works weather-wise: blizzards and floods, followed by the hottest summer we’ve had in years. But for me, that was obviously overshadowed by my diagnosis on that beautiful summer’s day in June and ever since then, things have been on hold.

When you are diagnosed with cancer, shit gets real. The things that I worried about before were suddenly not as important. Although I am a generally positive person who would big up family and friends alike, I was a worrier who could not see many positives in myself. I constantly compared myself to friends, family, colleagues, even random women walking down the street. I always complained about my hair (the irony!) my appearance, my weight, my personality, my achievements (or lack of). I was ridiculously hard on myself and never felt good/talented/smart/attractive or stylish enough.

In short, I felt like a failure.

I thought I hid it well, but some of my closest friends saw right through me.

I cared so much about what other people thought of me and was the type to over-analyse everything and it stressed me out. In hindsight, I was not good to myself at all.

Now my mindset has changed somewhat. Not that I don’t have moments where I dip back into negativity. I have dealt with various health issues throughout my life – but when something as life-changing as cancer comes up on your doorstep, it is another level. I found myself looking back at certain aspects of my life and shaking my head.

In the early stages post-diagnosis, I found myself wondering, ‘Why me?’ and my mood would go from sadness to anger and back. But then I found this quote from blogger HeyFranHey, which encapsulated what I was also thinking in my frantic mind because I believe that being mentally negative to myself contributed to my cancer:

“Replacing ‘Why is this happening to me?’ with ‘What is this trying to tell me?’ has been a game changer.”

Being good to yourself in life is key. Many of us think we are because we do a bit of meditation and go hard at the gym, but how well are we treating ourselves mentally? I’m not trying to preach but working the treadmill while your mind hounds you with stress and negative thoughts is no good. People workout to relieve those thoughts but how long until they come rushing back? Days? Weeks? Straight after you’ve finished in the gym?

Please be kind to yourself. Don’t do what I did and be unnecessarily harsh and self-critical. Sometimes it was like a balm to me; it was almost soothing to be unkind to myself.

I wasted over twenty years of my life with all that negative shit and I am done. Done with the procrastination, the people pleasing, the inferiority complex, the anxiety, the routine of beating myself up about everything. Because all I care about now is getting through this and trying to be good to myself in the process.

Good riddance to 2018. Here’s hoping that 2019 is a better year. ♥️