Off the Radio.

It’s been a while since I last posted on here, so let me bring you up to speed with what’s happened…

First things first: I’ve finished my treatment!!!

I had four-and-a-half weeks of intense radiotherapy. All that radiation zapped into my body every early morning wore me out, hence why I haven’t blogged as much recently.

My radiotherapists put me into position under the machine, before blitzing my breast and sub-clavicle with radiation. The machine hovered over me but – unlike a CT scan – I was not in a tunnel, so any claustrophobes that are due to undergo radiotherapy need not worry. My sessions were quite quick, they took no longer than twenty minutes.

I was warned by my doctors that the side effects would worsen the closer I got to the end of my treatment. They weren’t wrong – I’m bloody knackered. Chemo was every three weeks, which gave me time to get my strength back before the next cycle; whereas with radiotherapy, I had it every weekday for nearly five weeks. Thus, all the radiation built up as the treatment went on and left me exhausted.

Although it’s not exactly the same, I can imagine what arthritis sufferers go through. My knees – which aren’t great at the best of times – and other joints ache, even when I get up from my seat after watching TV (I still have SO MANY programmes to catch up on). But I am going for daily walks to help boost my stamina and feeling better for it. I’m not getting ahead of myself in thinking that I’m close to full strength, oh no – I’m currently trying to master the balance between being active and over-exertion.

However, my hot flushes are ridiculous. They have been a regular occurrence since chemo but have got worse over the course of my treatment, especially now that I’m on hormone therapy medication. Nobody warns you about how insane they are – even on the coldest days and nights, I’ll end up sweating like a pig in a sauna.

Thank goodness the weather isn’t warm right now, but I’m sure it will be unbearable when summer comes around, especially if it’s anything like last year – 36 degrees centigrade and rising. Extreme temperatures annoy me at the best of times, so dealing with it on a daily basis for the next few years is not something I’m looking forward to, but things could be worse and I’m extremely thankful that they are not.

My scars are healing nicely and, apart from some soreness under my breast (which was really itchy at first but has sorted itself out), they are doing well.

Also, my fingernails are looking less blackened, but my word, they are absolutely hideous right now. I foolishly decided to give myself a manicure and misjudged how weak my nails are – I over-buffed them and now they are a broken, busted mess.

During chemo (they were darker than this):

Now (before my awful manicure):

They grew so long during chemo and with little effort – my pinky fingernails were like talons! I felt like Coko from SWV.

My hair is also growing back. I was rocking a bald head and had no eyebrows for ages, but in the couple of weeks they’ve suddenly burst back to life. My new growth is really soft and looks great.

It’s been over a month since I finished my treatment and I’m feeling ok, but I’m still a bit fatigued and achy around my body. I feel like a robot that needs some WD40 to oil my rusty joints.

Apart from that, I can’t complain!

Transfusions and Confusions.

So there I was in the chemo suite, undergoing my latest blood transfusion – my fourth in a month – and I have hit that point: the nurses had trouble finding a decent vein.

Chemo has blackened my veins, my cuticles, my soul (I’m joking), so it’s getting trickier finding a vein each time, whether for chemo or a transfusion. Oh dear.

They played music from the 80s on the radio, which was nice but it was mainly power ballads on repeat and well… let’s just say I’m glad I had my headphones. I couldn’t tell the amazing nurses that ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is’ is a rubbish song and I heard ‘The Power of Love’ three times already and can they put my Spotify playlist on instead? After all, it wasn’t only myself in the suite – plenty of other people were there, all in the same boat as me and I’m sure that most of them love power ballads.

Blood transfusions are usually quite straightforward, it is the waiting that I can’t stand. As I mentioned, it was my fourth transfusion in a month and, considering the week I had, things could be worse.

Sometimes it feels as if my body is trying to sabotage me. I’m getting over another period which came on two weeks after my last (lengthy) one finished and left me feeling fatigued, fed up and emotional, often at the same time. On top of that, I had horrendous stomach cramps that felt like someone reached inside my body and pressed my sides until I felt sick.

As much as this illness does not deserve any of my tears, I’m not ashamed to say that I have had some tearful moments. I cried a few times last week because of my situation. I get annoyed reading people saying that women they knew who suffer(ed) from cancer ‘never cried’. As if when you are going through something as life-changing as this, you are going to be ultra-positive and stoic all the time. One minute, women are deemed ‘too emotional’, then when something like this turns up on our doorstep we are expected to be tough to show how we are beating the shit out of cancer. Plus, as a black woman, there is a perception that we are always strong but this is obviously not true. We are all human and crying does not show weakness.

Do not feel ashamed of crying or feeling emotional when going through cancer. Cry when you want to, because there will be times when you feel like giving into your emotions and rage against the world. Just don’t let it cloud your everyday life.

Anyway, on the plus side, I’m now halfway through my chemo: three sessions down, three to go. I’m also wearing rather fetching turbans to cement my fashionista status (this is a lie – I’m usually five years behind fashion-wise).

Blackstrap molasses have become a regular part of my diet, as they contain a high level of iron. I dilute one or two tablespoons in a small cup of hot water and drink it. If you are completely mad, you can try eating a tablespoon or two straight from the jar but it is even worse undiluted, with a wretched taste and a texture like gritty treacle.

This process has been challenging but, despite the setbacks, I’m getting through it. There is a weird routine to chemotherapy that you settle into quite quickly. Like most things in life, you have to breathe deeply and get on with it the best way that you can. Of course, there are moments when I wonder how the fuck did I get here, but on the whole I’m focused and absorbing all the positive vibes being sent my way.

Chemo: My Debut.

I was anxious before my first chemotherapy session. Although the pre-assessment nurse went through everything, I still was unsure regarding what to expect because it is like diving into the unknown. But when the drugs went into my veins I didn’t turn into a werewolf or howl at the moon, I was… fine.

Unfortunately, due to the TV screen being on the wall above me, I was forced to watch Loose Women. In an ironic twist (for me), they were discussing breast cancer, the statistics on how many are affected, talking about diet and how you can avoid getting it – not what I wanted to hear as I sat in my chair watching the chemo drugs go into my body.

When I finished, I felt ok but mildly nauseous. I thought all I needed was a cup of tea but I was wrong, because the nausea and the fatigue soon set in and made themselves at home. The vomiting and general shitty feeling lasted a few days but the nausea was much longer, coming and going in waves for two weeks. Honestly, it felt like it would never end.

My appetite disappeared for several days, so meals that I would practically inhale within minutes now took me half an hour to eat. Then, I would feel terrible again and bring it all up.

My diet now is like that of a pregnant woman. I have to avoid certain foods such as:

• Unpasteurised milk (meaning certain cheeses such as Brie and Stilton are a no-go. I love cheese but am not a fan of those kinds so I was ok with this but, to be on the safe side, I’m avoiding other cheeses such as Camembert, feta and mozzarella. These are classed as ok but I’d rather steer clear of them).

• Raw egg

• Raw fish

• Yogurt

• Live bacteria-based products

• Ice cream straight from the van – so no more Mr Whippy (just as well it’s Autumn, otherwise I’d be gutted).

Just when I thought I’d got over the worst of the fatigue during cycle one, it decided to play tricks on me. One morning (two weeks after my first session), I woke up feeling like I had a fight with Anthony Joshua. I was so ridiculously tired; my energy levels were non-existent and I felt rundown.

My body told me to go back to bed and even though I told myself not to fight the fatigue, I had only got up a few hours before, so I thought going back to sleep would not help. But I gave in and told myself I would have an hour-long nap. Well, one hour turned into three, but it did me the world of good and I felt more energetic afterwards.

Cycle one is almost done and I’m preparing for the second one. I’m guessing that this cycle has done its job and the next one will build on top of that, destroying any cancer cells potentially lurking within me, but it also means more of other things. More fatigue! More hair loss! More nausea! All I can do is wait and see.